Many couples have a "core pattern" or relating. The same old complaints come up again and again without ever getting resolved, or there is a familiar pattern of fighting, no matter the topic. There is a classic scene, like a choreographed dance, that plays itself out over and over. Much marriage advice focuses on treating symptoms, surface issues, and behaviors.However, trying to change things on the surface misses the underlying issues.
Marriage is the most challenging relationship you will ever have! When you are with someone everyday, you can't hide your weaknesses. Old feelings from the past are stirred and the physical nearness of you mate may trigger negative feelings as you look to him or her to meet needs your parents were originally supposed to meet.
When we look at our patterns of relating, we see that our experiences of growing up left a lasting imprint in our souls that determind our beliefs and expectations about how we give and receive love. Often, because of our different lessons about how to love and our different experiences in our families of origin, we are out of sync with one another. We are dancing to different tunes!
In a comfortable, non-judgemental environment, we can look at our patterns of relating, heal wounds, and create a new harmonious dance. Often people wonder if they married the wrong person since their "dance steps" are so out of time with one another. Actually, what happens is that the closeness of a marriage relationship causes our own painful imprints and love styles to be fully expressed. Marriage shines a spotlight on old attachment injuries. Marriage problems don't begin in marriage - you and your partner are just doing the dance steps you learned in childhood.
The good news is that marriage is a good opportunity for you and your mate to become one another's healers as you face these wounds together. When you discover the roots of your relationship struggles, you can change how you relate to one another. The irritation you often feel towards each other can be replaced with a new compassion.
If this sounds like you and your mate, feel free to call to set up a free, 1/2 hour consultation.